Sometimes I do worry that something is wrong with me. I am incomplete. Some pieces are missing. Some pieces are falling. Some pieces have been taken away. Some pieces were abused. Some were abandoned. I like this quote that says: How can you find peace, when you are in pieces? Sometimes I wonder if I can collect them or if I should just start building new ones. With a strong foundation. Like a building. Something tall and big and strong whispering I am whole again. But what if I end up just building walls?
This isn't new for me. I have been through this many times. I have seen worse. However, I have never learned how to win this quite completely, it always comes back.
It gets tiresome, you know? It's been 7 years. Sometimes I wish I could get a peek of what could have happened if I was happy. Sometimes I do get that glance and I am forever grateful. But it doesn't change anything. Clinging on the thought of happiness gets exhausting and I can't fully experience the feeling because I feel like something is wrong that something bad is coming. My normal became sad years ago and when I'm 'out of my normal' I feel strange.
Sometimes I wish I was a little bit stronger.