WHAT DEPRESSION TOOK FROM ME

Hello, everybody. Haven't seen ya in a while huh? I'm sorry. Today's topic is more on the serious side, mainly because I think it's important for people to know more about mental illnesses. I mean real mental illnesses. No glamorization. Just the truth.

I've been struggling with depression for over 3 years. You may say it's not that long but to be honest, it took a big part of my teenage years, which happens to be the best years of our lives. Well, not for me. If you don't exactly know what depression is, just look it up on wikipedia. Depression took a lot of things away from me. I want to share it with you. Maybe you also know someone who is struggling and this might help you understand that person better.

Depression took my friends away. I used to be really talkative and sociable. Right now I am so anxious that sometimes I don't leave my house. I don't wanna meet with people because I'm scared I'll annoy them or I'll embarrass myself. I get so self-conscious and unsure, I start blushing and sweating. I stopped talking to half of the people in the picture. I don't know why. I used to sit at home crying, because I felt so alone yet I couldn't keep up with my friends or make new ones. So I lost them.

Depression made me stop with dance. In 2013, I think, it got so intense I wasn't able to go to the classes. I had to quit. Luckily, I participate in Cheerleading and I'm trying to get better and bring my passion for dance back.

Depression took all of my interests away. I need to find them again. It left me with blank space in my head. 

Depression took my physical health away. From all those pills and other stuff my body's always shaking and sweating. My stomach always hurts  as well as my head. My hair is falling off and my acne has never been worse. Insomnia came with depression as well and it's almost impossible for me to sleep properly. 

Depression made my world black and grey. Nothing would give me pleasure or even joy. Everything was black and sad. My clothes, my vision, my soul.. I remember what my father once said: 'You look so bad in dark colours. What happened? You used to be way more colourful.' I guess I have to find my colours back.

But the most important thing depression stole from me was 'me'. I lost myself. My true self. My personality. I don't know who I am. Will I ever know? I desperately wanted to be loved that I changed over and over again until one day I found out that I'm someone I don't know. I'm a walking body, a confused soul. 

But on the other hand, depression has taught me a lot of different things that I want to talk about in my next post. Would you like to see a post like that? Let me know.

Please watch this video and also this one.

"All i have left to decide is whether or not to put on the life vest before throwing myself into the ocean that is waiting for me to die,

Some nights i cry because i miss the breath of my demons sleeping next to me.
Some nights i cry because they take up too much of my bed.
Some nights i cry because the darkness doesn't let me see,
Some nights i cry because i have a monster as a pet.

And i feed it well.
I hate how much i love it.

Its name is depression."

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